Random Firings by Hank Farber

I write my column this month with a sense of sadness. My brother, Fred, an active New Jersey chapter member, former president, and current chair of our drivers schools at Summit Point, is moving to Portland Maine. Portland is a very nice place to live, but it seems pretty far away to me. However, as a going-away present, he gave me the material for this month's column.

Fred has been driving a clapped-out 1987 325is for years. This is the car-that-will-not-die. And he has tried (hard) to kill it. As I mentioned a few months ago in this column, this car was on its side in the uphill at Lime Rock (Fred's claim being that he spun in another car's coolant), and the only non-cosmetic damage was a broken driver's side mirror and a bent tie rod. It is unusual for Fred to keep a personal car this long, as he has been known to be impulsive. For example, when we were both living in Brookline Massachusetts, we were running some errands (one of which was NOT looking for a new car) one fine Saturday in Fred's VW Scirocco when we passed an Alfa Romeo dealership. The next thing I knew we were in the showroom and Fred was arranging a test drive in a GTV-6. Note that we were not new to Alfa's, having co-owned an old Spyder, so he knew that he was not looking at reliable transportation. An hour later (or was it less?), the Scirocco had been traded in and Fred was the owner of the GTV-6. That car was all motor and a blast to drive --- when it was running.

Back to BMW content. Fred saw Al Bossert's "new" 1995 318ti conversion with an E36 M3 motor (332ti??), and he decided that this would be a neat car to have. So Fred talked to Will Turner who has built these before, and he found out that he needed to find a 1995 318ti to use for conversion. He learned that it would be good if it already had a limited-slip differential. Best would be to find a 1995 318ti Club Sport, which was a limited edition model with some special equipment and trim. Fred also learned that it would be good to have a large bank account, as the conversion would probably run about $10,000 above the cost of the donor car (including M3 motor, upgraded brakes, suspension, etc.).

Now Club Sports are rare, but Fred managed to find one in Maryland at a good price. He sent me to look at the car. I did my duty, the car was nice, and Fred negotiated the deal. But the deal fell through because the title was "not available". Down but not out, Fred started again. This time he found a car in North Carolina, negotiated the deal sight unseen, and sent a deposit. Fred was very excited and we were planning a road trip to go get the car. That weekend, the seller informed Fred that he totaled the car and would be returning the deposit.

My brother is not one to give up. He kept looking, and the following ad appeared on the Net (AutoTrader.com): "1995 BMW 318ti, sporty red w/lt gray interior, 6cyl engine w/only 29,000 miles, 5spd, air, am/fm cass, M3 rims ...fast." This is not a very sensible ad since 318ti's have 4-cylinder motors. The ad also listed the VIN number, and Fred did a Car-Fax title search. He learned that the car had a salvage title (not a good thing) and had an "odometer rollback". Our general policy is to stay away from something as fishy smelling as this. But Fred had some spare time, and this car was only a stone's throw from his house.

The next thing I knew, I was on the receiving end of what can only be described as a breathless phone call from Fred (roughly paraphrased): "The car is already what I want. Wow, it's fast. It is a 318ti with an E36 6-cylinder conversion (maybe M3, maybe 325), big brakes, nice suspension, M3 wheels. Wow, it's fast. You gotta see this." And the asking price was what Fred would have paid for a nice 318ti before conversion. More importantly, it is FAST and it HANDLES. Fred observed further, "You only have to breathe on the accelerator."

So Fred bought the car on the spot, despite its questionable pedigree. The previous owner only had the car for a short time and had no idea how the car came to be what it is. Fred is happy as a clam. He still doesn't know whether it has an M3 or 325 motor, exactly what kind of brakes it has, or what suspension is in there. But it is FAST, it HANDLES. Look for it at a New Jersey chapter school next year.

The New Jersey chapter (with 2000+ members) is going to miss Fred. The Pine Tree Chapter (with 170 members) doesn't yet know what they are getting, but our loss is their gain. I am going to miss him especially. By the way, Fred has given me the car-that-will-not-die, and my children will be using it, both as a daily driver and as a driver's school car. Thanks Fred.