Philes' Forum by Vic Lucariello

Left-Lane Bandits. This is Patrick [Car and Driver] Bedard's term for those cre tins who insist on hogging the left lane, seemingly oblivious to the line of car s behind them. You may call them by another name [probably unusable in this fam ily publication], but you know who we are referring to. I would say that the mo st obnoxious of these idiots are those who actually speed up to cut us off when, in desperation, we pass them on the right. Talk about road rage!

Anyhow, I have noticed that the LLBs tend to drive certain vehicles. What I wou ld like to know, in this first-ever Philes' Forum E-Mail survey, is what vehicle s YOU think LLBs are most likely to be driving. Please e-mail me your list of t he 5 vehicles most likely to be driven by an LLB [1= most likely]. I will compi le the results, add my own picks, and publish the result in an upcoming column.

Please avoid sexist and socio-political statements in your picks. For example, if you think that a likely LLB is a Mercury Comet driven by an Italian-American who needs her eyebrows plucked, or a GMC Suburban driven by a root beer-drinking Jewish dentist with helmet hair, simply tell me the vehicle. However, if you t hink that a Black GMC Suburban towing a Sierra Beige 320i Club Racer is a partic ularly egregious offender, this I want to know. Similarly if you think that Mer cury Comets with "Mafia Staff Car" bumper stickers are your pick, I am intereste d in this as well. Got the picture? Good! Now hit the Internet. My address i s: vlucarie@pseg.com. Your identity will be held confidential if you wish.

I'm sure you have heard of accidental tourism, unintended acceleration, and unex pected ovulation, but have you ever heard of an adventitious oil change? Well, let me tell you the saga of our Chapter VP Joe 'E-Male' [SIC] Getcy and his M3.

When E-Male bought his E30 ['88-'91] M3, he called and told me that it was equip ped with a rubber plug [!] in lieu of the normal engine oil pan drain plug. I t old him that I was familiar with these things, and that they are intended to be installed, as a 'Kluge', in place of a stripped drain plug. Although I have us ed these plugs in the past, such as on my Mom's '68 Cougar just prior to selling it, I don't recommend them for a high performance, low-slung car like an M3.

I suggested to E-Male that he remove the Aluminum alloy lower oil pan from his c ar, and that we restore the pan's internal threads with a 'Heli-Coil' thread rep air insert and install a new drain plug and sealing ring. A properly installed 'Heli-Coil' is said to be stronger than the original internal threads in the Alu minum. E-Male said he was kinda busy with his trip to the Nurburgring, affairs of the heart, and other important stuff, and that he'd keep my advice in mind. In other words, he blew me off.

The next call I got from 'ol E-Male was to tell me that he had been driving his M to warm up the oil prior to changing it when he went over some railroad tracks kinda fast and heard a funny noise. His oil light came on shortly thereafter, so he thought he'd better jack up the car and investigate. Sure enough, the rub ber plug had been torn away and, Voil`a, the aforementioned adventitious oil cha nge! E-Male, I know it's better to drain your oil while its hot, but draining i t while the engine is running is a bit extreme, old man. Of course, E-Male was now extremely interested in the 'Heli-Coil' fix.

I guess the best way to describe a 'Heli-Coil' is to picture it as just the thre ads of a threaded bolt. In other words, if you could peel off the thread, it wo uld resemble a miniature coil spring with all the coils touching each other. Pi cture this tiny spring in a stainless alloy and you have a pretty good idea wha t a 'Heli-Coil' looks like. Of course, 'Heli-coils' are available in all the th read sizes and pitches found on automobiles. E30 M3s use a M12 - 1.5 thread for the oil pan plug, as do most recent BMW cars. The 'M' designates a metric thre ad, while the '12' and '1.5' denote the diameter [mm] and pitch, respectively. You technoids will want to know that on metric thread designations a higher pitc h number means a coarser thread [ie: fewer threads per cm], while on US thread d esignations [eg: 1/2 - 20, a higher pitch number means a finer thread].

To install a 'Heli-Coil', first drill out the stripped threads with the prescrib ed size drill bit. Although we did 'E-Male's' drilling in a drill press, a hand -held electric drill will suffice. Next, rethread the hole with the special 'He li-Coil' tap that is included in the thread repair kit. Again, this is best acc omplished in a drill press, but you can get by with a manual tap wrench. Final ly, install the 'Heli-Coil' insert with the insertion tool provided in the kit a nd you're done. The whole process should take about 5 minutes [in addition to d rill press set-up]. Be sure to install a new sealing washer on the drain plug a nd torque to 27 lb-ft. I suspect that if E-Male's M's former owner had used a t orque wrench on the drain plug, I wouldn't be writing about this. When you rein stall the oil pan, use a new gasket and torque the 6 mm [10 mm hex] attaching sc rews to 7 lb-ft.

While the oil pan is off, be sure to check if it has been retrofitted with the e xtended baffle [E-Male's had been]. As you look into the pan, you will see the baffle with its one way flapper valve. The modified baffle will have a vertical extension welded to it that approximately doubles the height of the baffle. If you use your M3 for driver school, autocross, or other spirited driving, the ex tended baffle is a MUST, as is a 1/2 quart overfill of engine oil. The modified baffles are available from various Roundel advertisers.

A couple of months ago, I wrote about Hank Farber's request re a 12 volt relay w ith integral mounting bracket. I listed a Radio-Shack part number for such a de vice. Since then I have found the Bosch part number. It is 0 332 209 150.

Anyone wishing to contribute to Philes' Forum should contact me via the info on the masthead. I'm interested in tech tips, repair/maintenance questions and/or tips, dealer horror stories, product evaluations, etc. Please call before 8 PM , and if you leave a message, PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR WORK PHONE NUMBER. Also, plea se be patient, I try to return every phone call, but it sometimes takes awhile. The best way to contact me is via e-mail.

Copyright 1997 - V. M. Lucariello, PE